There is a secret I've been hiding. It is large, and it is dirty, and might even be in violation of a few state and federal laws. But hiding it doesn't make it any less real, so I've decided to just come out with it:

This is my basement.

And before you get any weird ideas; no, it's not full of dead bodies (dead mice, maybe). When I said state and federal laws I meant city and county building codes. But just because your basement isn't as bad as a murderer's doesn't mean it isn't really, really bad. Anyway, if that's the standard you're holding yourself to, you have bigger problems to deal with.