I hope you're ready for X-mas everyone, which is how I refer to the corporate holiday surrounding Christmas.
What would the holidays be without a healthy dose of irony? I grew up with gorgeous, hand-trimmed trees that our family lovingly chose from snowy lots, then sawed down ourselves. While nice and smelly, it depresses me to think that this huge living thing was chopped down just for a few weeks of drying out in my house, laden with hallmark ornaments and mice made from walnut shells. And don't get me started on those tree lots that spring up just hours after the Thanksgiving turkey carcass has hit the garbage.
I thought I'd solved my tree-based guilt, as I bought a second-hand white plastic pre-lit tree from a Drag Queen a few years back. After her show, she couldn't bear to bring it back to Mal-Wort, so I bought it off her. Although money did go to Mal-Wort, it didn't directly come from me. So I felt OK with it. Plus I was helping out a local DQ! My sister has hijacked it off to Chicago. I wonder if her school kids know that tree's unusual provenance. Anyway, it doesn't look like the tree is coming back any time soon.
So help me choose an X-mas tree, won't you?
CHOICE ONE: FRED FLARE'S INSTRATREE
It's a little hard to stuff presents under this mamajamma, but it might look cute on top of a stack of wrapped goodies.
CHOICE TWO: GOOD GRIEF
Urban Outfitters, you make me laugh. I would not add any ornaments to this tree. It's perfect the way it is.
CHOICE THREE: BEADY TREE
Might be hard to get actual ornaments on this thing though......
CHOICE FOUR: SEUSS'S REJECTS
Target calls these 'Laser' Trees. Yikes. I really want to see these in person to see what comprises a 'Laser' tree. Plus, I love how they obviously just used the 'color replace' option instead of re-photographing their trees. Go look at the rest of them to see what I mean.
CHOICE 5: BROCCOLI
In high school, a friend of mine got an incredibly good deal on a car. For $200, he purchased a 1979 Dodge Aspen from a little old lady up the street, and she threw in 4 snow tires as well. It then became our standard of currency, as in, 'My new Gameboy cost an Aspen and 6 snow tires!'.
Target's asking two Aspens and 8 snow tires, plus tax and shipping.
CHOICE SIX: TREE OR JUICER?
All right Pet Shop Boys fans, sing it with me. M I N I M A L......MINIMAL! MINIMAL!
CHOICE SEVEN: FOR THE REST OF US
These cheeky bastards are selling a festivus pole for $38 plus shipping and handling. I can think of about two dozen better ways to spend $40. That's like 1/5th of an aspen!