Fragrance fodder
By Ken Hoyt
It began when I was a teenager. My Grandmother Mary looked me straight in the eye and said, "You smell exactly like a French who-who-house." * In her day ladies sprayed cologne in the air and then walked through it. Men smelled clean. She'd caught me over-achieving with my very first fragrance, Canoe (selected entirely due to it's advertising, I'm sure). That seemed like a good cue to start over.
Thirty-plus years later I'm a completely unapologetic and unwilling-to-reform fragrance snob. As I see it, Mother Nature has set down the main point of fragrance, to attract. It's an olfactory signal that flowers provide to guide busy bees to their pollen. In humans it's a sensory guide to luring others when you wish to get busy. But seduction is a subtle business.
A few times recently I've been overwhelmed by someone's fragrance... and not in a good way. Fragrance companies seem intent on turning their customers into human room deodorizers. So I thought I'd dig up some fragrance etiquette rules that I've collected.
The Two-Foot Rule. This is the classic rule from finishing schools. Your delicious fragrance should be a personal delight and one shared with your most intimate friends. Anything smellier than that will appear vulgar.
Apply directly onto your body, underneath your clothing. Absolutely no one likes to be inadvertently marked by another just because of a social hug.
Never Reapply #1. It's like a blind spot. Your ability to smell the strength of your own fragrance diminishes as you wear it. But it others can still enjoy it. Leave it be.
Never Reapply #2. Chemical warfare: your original application has changed, mingling with your own body oils to create an entirely new fragrance. When you re-fresh your fragrance the balance is disrupted and it will not smell like you hoped.
The Gourmand Rule. Real wine aficionados and foodies abhor stinky tablemates. Fragrance adversely affects the flavors of the meal. The strictest would never wear fragrance to dine. If you feel naked try a light spritz of something citrusy (but not sweet).
The Groupie Rule. Only the girls (and boys?) entertaining backstage should have big fragrance and big hair at a concert. Concert seating is too close for such lavish gestures. That goes for airplanes, too.
The Smart Guy Rule. When you want to impress a woman let her, and her fragrance, do all the talking. The gentleman provides an elegant backdrop. If you play your cards right you'll be around long enough for her to buy you some fragrance (which you are duty bound to wear).
The Expired Rule. As surely as milk goes bad fragrance goes south, too. It will smell like your fragrance but overly sweet and somewhat cloying. This smell will only get worse. Give it a decent burial. ** Few people wear a cologne enough to justify purchasing the well-priced larger bottle. It's false economy if you have to throw half of it away.
The Summer Scent Rule. Warm bodies and high humidity work like a loud speaker for fragrances. Refreshing citrus and soft florals are the best choices.
The Clean Skin Rule. Most people know this; the most frequent infractions are among Frat Boys and Aging Party Girls. Cologne is not a deodorant; it will not mask cigarettes or body odor. It is the olfactory version of the Walk of Shame. People will talk... take a shower.
* My Grandmother had not met a working girl or been to France but she was definite about this matter.
** My heartbreak: a $140 bottle... recently deceased... sigh.
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My small business, Interior Advocate, provides design solutions for interiors. And I write about living...
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