The Horrible Reality of Home Improvement T.V.

We’re supposed to think those people who appear on home make-over shows love the outcome of their reality t.v. experience. We’ve all seen it: people squeal with glee, they cry tears of joy as their garden or home make-over is revealed. Is it real? Or is it as fake as the blood in a Wes Craven movie? If statistics were complied, they would probably show that most people are pleased with their realty t.v. home make-overs. But if we peek among the dark hiding places of these statistics we’d find a knife-wielding creature fit for a horror movie. It is a two headed monster known as Regret and Ruin and it comes in the guise of those beasts HGTV and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Alanna Isaacs submitted a video of her and her husband’s backyard to HGTV’s "Landscapers Challenge". For those unfamiliar with the show, the participants/homeowners/unsuspecting prey consult with three landscape designers; of the three, the homeowners choose their favorite and, voila, 30 minutes later we see a complete backyard make-over.

The Isaacs’ meeting with the designers was filmed as if it were the original presentation. In reality, the couple first met with the designers–which were chosen by the producers of the show, not the Isaacs themselves–privately before filming. The couple’s decision was a split one. Alanna wanted a designer whose vision–according to her husband, Derek–had the potential of going over the couple’s $40,000 budget. Ultimately, Derek’s choice won out. Looking back, this is probably where Regret made its first appearance, most likely wearing a goalie mask, threatening the happy couple’s idyllic life in the suburbs.

First, their chosen designer disappeared like one of The Others. (For a few months, anyway.) Meanwhile, Derek and the subcontractors, which the Isaacs hired, worked on constructing the retaining wall and deck. By the time the crew returned to film its final taping, the victims had bled through their entire budget. There wasn’t enough left to arouse even the most voracious vampire let alone buy plants for the final reveal. Producers of the show hit up a local gardening center, who donated plants. The show faked this as well, as they filmed Alanna picking out the plants, making it look as if she did the choosing. She didn’t; the retailer did. The landscape designer had reappeared from the shadows by this point, but did his best to murder every plant donated. He planted sun-loving plants in the shade and shade-loving plants in the sun.

The final scenes of the thirty minute program showed the Isaacs playing up the positive, which the producers encouraged them to do. And there were some. The couple liked their deck. But later, after the film crew disappeared, there was surely a puddle of the designer’s blood staining the floor of that pretty structure.

For others participating in the reality t.v. make-over craze, dying plants might sound quaint. Take the Leomiti family’s story. In what has become the modus operandi of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, producers found a family suffering existence in a too-small house. The Leomitis had brought into their home the five Higgins siblings, who had lost both their parents within two months of each other. Faster than you can say Hellraiser, Ty Pennington was bellowing through his bullhorn rousing the family from their abode–which, by the way, was filmed over a half-dozen times to capture just the right spontaneity–and the project was underway. EMHE transformed the Leomiti home from a humble tract house into a nine bedroom, 4,267 square foot McMansion. Oh sure, the house looked nice, but like any good horror movie set–the nicest house on the block always has the most disturbing goings-on inside.

In this case, a mysterious rift developed between the Higgins siblings and the Leomiti family within weeks of the home’s reveal. The siblings were claiming the Leomitis had become greedy and deceptive after they received their EMHE gift. They also said that the Leomitis started using verbal abuse as a means to degrade them. Not terribly surprising, the siblings soon moved out, hired a lawyer and filed suit. Their original allegations included "fraud, intentional infliction of emotional distress and breach of contract." Through their lawsuit, the Higgins argue that the ABC television show promised them a home to live in permanently. Conversely, the Leomitis say the Higgins siblings have no legal claim to their new home or, in fact, a legal claim to live there at all. The bloody cherry on the top of this tale, however, is that the Leomiti-Higgins family bios, pictures and episode in which they appeared (season 2, episode 18), have been rubbed out of the ABC EMHE website. Spooky!

As in all horror movies, so is the same for the reality t.v. game. Some characters survive, some don’t. But if you have already submitted your application and are awaiting a producer’s call or Ty’s bellow, you just might want to keep these words of wisdom in mind: Don't Answer The Door, Don't Leave The House, Don't Answer The Phone, But Most Of All, Don't SCREAM.

(Original reports of these horrific events were published in the April 2007 issue of a little newspaper called "Welcome Home 2007", which mysteriously found its way into my mailbox as well as the May 13, 2007 issue of the Minneapolis Star Tribune. For more pictures and information about the Isaacs' scary story, go here. The show in which the Isaac's appeared will be rebroadcast  on 7/19/07 at 9:30pm central time and on 7/20/07 at 1:30am, also at central time.)

July 17, 2007

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